Well, we got some very bad news on June 12, 2011. My grandma unexpectedly passed away. I got the phone call from my mom in the evening that Nannie was rushed to the hospital. We made emergency arrangements to leave that morning at 5am to Fresno to be with my Aunt Teresa. An hour and half later, I got the call that she had passed. We kept our plans to leave the next morning.
This has been very hard on the family that was close to her. This was so unexpected. We all thought the same thing. We thought when she would pass it would be from some sort of sickness and we would have time to say goodbye. I know I shouldn't, but I have been beating myself up for not making a visit at the end of May like I had planned. I had to cancel because Mrf's bday was right around the corner and I needed to extra money. Making the trip would not have been a logical financial move on my part. I never got the chance to say one last goodbye. That bothers me a lot. When I look at her pictures, I have the hardest time with the thought that I won't see her again until I die. For the first week of her passing, I kept waking up in the middle of the night looking for her.
But it is getting better, finally. The 2 major people to help me get through all of it has been Phil and Mrf. Phil is great with snapping me out of my little moments of thought. I just kinda disappear for a little while it feels like. Just the other day, we were in the car (he was driving) and the radio station went out and we were listening to fuzz. I didn't realize it until Phil had asked me why I didn't change the station. Then it dawn on me I was listening the fuzz for a while but not really hearing it. The day I got back from Fresno, I drove us to get a late dinner. That was a bad idea. If Phil would not have been in the car, I would have ran a stop light. That was how deep I was falling into my mind. Like I said though he good at snapping me out of it. I does funny goofy stuff to get me to laugh again, he also asks me if I am okay. He gives me the chance to talk if I need to.
As soon as I got Mrf, I was snapping out of it way better. Having him back and all of his love and cuddles made it way easier to live a normal life. I am first and for most a mom so I had to be a mom instead of moping around. Mrf misses her too. Last night he woke up in the middle of the night crying for her. This has really surprised me being that he really didn't see her that often. Well it is apparent that the time they did spend together was special to him and he loved her dearly.
One of my biggest fears is that I am going to forget her voice. Since Phil lost all of his Grandparents I asked him if he still remembers their voice. He told me he did and that made me feel a lot better. I wish there is a "how to" on all this stuff. I went from sad, to mad, to denial, and back on to sad. All in the like one week...RIP Pamela J. (Joy for those who know)Kain. We miss you dearly. LOL (Lots of Love)
Now for some good news: Well, kinda. My 30th birthday is tomorrow! There is absolutely no turning back now!!! It is weird to think that at my age my mom had a 12 year old (me). I mean crazy, sometimes I still feel like a 12 year old at this ripe ol' age! I feel like at my age though, I am a full on adult. All my mistake are my fault, but all of my accomplishments are my right doing. I finally have to own up to EVERYTHING. So on to the next 30! At this rate I will be celebrating my 60th the day after tomorrow cuz TIME FLIES!
